In reading the literary works of Fyodor Dostoevsky, a thought struck me that is both a tribute to the edifying genius of great writers as well as a step towards erasure for the rest of us. During my second reading of Crime and Punishment, one particular passage (don't ask me to remember which) gave me an emotion of such clarity. It was as though those unique collection of words tore a gaping hole through the fabric of the human soul, leaving it naked for all to see. Mr. D described the human condition so perfectly that I found myself nodding to the book, like an idiot, so enthralled by the pure truth of his words. But I only agreed so emphatically with Mr. D because I felt sure that these same thoughts were bubbling away just beneath my consciousness. It only took my reading these same thoughts to bring them to the surface.
Which brings me to the part of our erasure. Is it possible that we all have statements of utter profundity lurking slightly beneath our mundane exteriors? We are unable to draw them out, unable to voice them into words or music or visual expression. They are left there to fester and we will carry them to our grave. What if these thoughts are the best we have to offer, but since we common folk can't coherently express them, will be lost forever into the limbo that is the afterlife? They would be erased by the silencing of our earthly voices, and so would we. Couldn't we save them somehow? Bottle them up, store them and worship them as a testament of human triumph?
Some artists seem to find the trick.
Monday, April 07, 2008
Me too
Me Too Campaign is like an addiction. I can't believe so many Duke students are depressed. Clearly, the high-pressure atmosphere of an elite university is distracting to some extent, but never would I have guessed at the number of genuinely sad and lonely kids. Just think, I probably see them everyday! Walking to class, grabbing food, stopping and chatting with friends. But how superficial.
Are we all living a big lie? How can there be so much sadness seething under the surface of this picturesque postcard of our Gothic Wonderland? An outsider would never guess. Heck, even as a student of Duke, I'd never guess.
I wish there were some magic words I can say. Maybe something like, "Cheer up everyone, life's not so bad. Just think of all the great things in your life! You're probably better off here than flipping patties in some dingy burger joint."
But then I think, is it better? Some of the emotions my fellow students pour onto that blog are just devastating. Students lamenting their grades, their friends, their relationships. There are so many instances of individuals being fervently in love with someone who doesn't even acknowledge their existence. A feeling like that must take over every free thought they have. My heart goes out to them.
We hide so much of ourselves from the outside world. We strive so hard to present this image of "effortless perfection". Because hey! We're Duke students right? Brightest of the bright from all over the world. We'll all go on to be doctors and lawyers and successful academic researchers. Life is peachy and dazzling. Really, though? Everybody has their secrets. Sometimes I wonder about that high-profile individual, what he or she must go through inside. Maybe her parents are going through a tough divorce, but she struggles to present a happy and smiling face to the world. Maybe his sister's fighting cancer but it's such a private matter that he doesn't want to tell anyone. Maybe it's something much worse and the rest of us can only thank the heavens we only have to worry about that next chemistry midterm or whether or not the cute boy in bio lab likes us or not.
Reading that blog fills me with a sense of compassion for my fellow Dukies. It's horrifying to read, but I can't tear myself away. It's like watching a horror film so scary that I can't bear it, but I have to know what happens next.
Apologies for ending so existentially, but where are we all going?
Are we all living a big lie? How can there be so much sadness seething under the surface of this picturesque postcard of our Gothic Wonderland? An outsider would never guess. Heck, even as a student of Duke, I'd never guess.
I wish there were some magic words I can say. Maybe something like, "Cheer up everyone, life's not so bad. Just think of all the great things in your life! You're probably better off here than flipping patties in some dingy burger joint."
But then I think, is it better? Some of the emotions my fellow students pour onto that blog are just devastating. Students lamenting their grades, their friends, their relationships. There are so many instances of individuals being fervently in love with someone who doesn't even acknowledge their existence. A feeling like that must take over every free thought they have. My heart goes out to them.
We hide so much of ourselves from the outside world. We strive so hard to present this image of "effortless perfection". Because hey! We're Duke students right? Brightest of the bright from all over the world. We'll all go on to be doctors and lawyers and successful academic researchers. Life is peachy and dazzling. Really, though? Everybody has their secrets. Sometimes I wonder about that high-profile individual, what he or she must go through inside. Maybe her parents are going through a tough divorce, but she struggles to present a happy and smiling face to the world. Maybe his sister's fighting cancer but it's such a private matter that he doesn't want to tell anyone. Maybe it's something much worse and the rest of us can only thank the heavens we only have to worry about that next chemistry midterm or whether or not the cute boy in bio lab likes us or not.
Reading that blog fills me with a sense of compassion for my fellow Dukies. It's horrifying to read, but I can't tear myself away. It's like watching a horror film so scary that I can't bear it, but I have to know what happens next.
Apologies for ending so existentially, but where are we all going?
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Questo e quella?
I seem to have this problem. This problem of phases. One moment I'll get inexplicably excited about something or another and pursue it as if it were my lifelong passion, and then, just as suddenly and certainly just as inexplicably, I'll drop it like it's hot. If only I could express my fervent desire to NOT live through the important things like this. My friends have warned me, "Dude, what's gonna happen when you get obsessed with a guy like you do?"
Like I do.
Poor guy. That is all I have to say. I will weep for that man as much as I will rejoice in finally finding him.
Current obsession: opera (and not the browser, though that is admirable as well).
More specifically: Luciano Pavarotti. That man (may he rest in peace) is as close as the human race ever got to musical perfection. Those who know me understand how I will listen to one singer obsessively because I love the timbre of their voice, their phrasing, their quirky personalities, etc.... But never have all these elements come together in one miraculous human being. His voice tugs at my heartstrings. It lifts me to soar amongst silver clouds and sparkling sunshine. I can feel something happening physically, not just emotionally. I can only describe it as an involuntary clenching of all internal muscles. That voice can make rocks weep and scarecrows rejoice. Many songs will send me into a rapturous epileptic seizure ("Sleeping Lessons" by The Shins is such an example), but that voice! No words! Only poetry will suffice. Poetry from the gods.
Like I do.
Poor guy. That is all I have to say. I will weep for that man as much as I will rejoice in finally finding him.
Current obsession: opera (and not the browser, though that is admirable as well).
More specifically: Luciano Pavarotti. That man (may he rest in peace) is as close as the human race ever got to musical perfection. Those who know me understand how I will listen to one singer obsessively because I love the timbre of their voice, their phrasing, their quirky personalities, etc.... But never have all these elements come together in one miraculous human being. His voice tugs at my heartstrings. It lifts me to soar amongst silver clouds and sparkling sunshine. I can feel something happening physically, not just emotionally. I can only describe it as an involuntary clenching of all internal muscles. That voice can make rocks weep and scarecrows rejoice. Many songs will send me into a rapturous epileptic seizure ("Sleeping Lessons" by The Shins is such an example), but that voice! No words! Only poetry will suffice. Poetry from the gods.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
The gloriousness of technology
So I thought I'd write about a little something that's made me incredibly happy over the past few days and caused me to neglected my math studies.
Technology! More specifically, my new Vaio laptop running the prettiness of Vista (which isn't as bad as I expected it to be) and the likes of little third party apps like Rainmeter, Rainlendar and Rocketdock. I played around with Samurize on my work laptop but didn't like it so much. Rainmeter much more slick, and the coding is easier to work with.
Yesterday, I stumbled across a wonderful site about the amazing Cairo project.
http://cairoshell.com/2007/07/26/cairo-a-windows-shell-alternative/
This guy, along with a team of designers and developers, are trying to put together a whole new way to interact with Windows. Of course, the underlying structure is all the same, but the look and feel is completely fresh and innovative. Hopefully, Microsoft will take a leaf out of this guy's book and collaborate with him for Vienna, but that's simply too much to hope for.
Here is a stacked applications concept. No more taskbar and Start menu, although that would be the underlying architecture.
Another concept that Microsoft has reportedly already been playing with: pie menus.
The taskbar/Start menu configuration has been around Windows from the very beginning, and it is high time to overhaul the boring old concept. Hopefully, that's what Windows Vienna will do, but I have to admit I'm getting very excited about this new shell development. Eye candy to say the least.
As for the future, I really think a big step forward for user interactions would be a 3D environment on the desktop. There are 3D desktop environment in rough sketch mainly for Linux users but those are simply putting application windows in a 3D "street", like you're window shopping or something. Not the most convenient, in my opinion. Who knows, maybe in the future we won't have flat computer screens anymore. Maybe we'll have desktop "spaces" where one can step into and control the desktop all around. That would be nice.
More pictures of my pimpified desktop to come.
Technology! More specifically, my new Vaio laptop running the prettiness of Vista (which isn't as bad as I expected it to be) and the likes of little third party apps like Rainmeter, Rainlendar and Rocketdock. I played around with Samurize on my work laptop but didn't like it so much. Rainmeter much more slick, and the coding is easier to work with.
Yesterday, I stumbled across a wonderful site about the amazing Cairo project.
http://cairoshell.com/2007/07/26/cairo-a-windows-shell-alternative/
This guy, along with a team of designers and developers, are trying to put together a whole new way to interact with Windows. Of course, the underlying structure is all the same, but the look and feel is completely fresh and innovative. Hopefully, Microsoft will take a leaf out of this guy's book and collaborate with him for Vienna, but that's simply too much to hope for.
Here is a stacked applications concept. No more taskbar and Start menu, although that would be the underlying architecture.
Another concept that Microsoft has reportedly already been playing with: pie menus.
The taskbar/Start menu configuration has been around Windows from the very beginning, and it is high time to overhaul the boring old concept. Hopefully, that's what Windows Vienna will do, but I have to admit I'm getting very excited about this new shell development. Eye candy to say the least.As for the future, I really think a big step forward for user interactions would be a 3D environment on the desktop. There are 3D desktop environment in rough sketch mainly for Linux users but those are simply putting application windows in a 3D "street", like you're window shopping or something. Not the most convenient, in my opinion. Who knows, maybe in the future we won't have flat computer screens anymore. Maybe we'll have desktop "spaces" where one can step into and control the desktop all around. That would be nice.
More pictures of my pimpified desktop to come.
Monday, July 30, 2007
I know I've been terrible...
Okay it seems like I've abandoned post. I haven't. Just been really really exceptionally and inhumanely busy this summer. But here goes another round of "Let's Open Nina's Head!"
What exactly have I been up to this summer, you ask? Well for starters, I've moved back to the sunshine state, complete with extraordinary weather and pick-able cherry orchards that'll make you sick and wished you'd never clapped eyes upon the red little dots of devil-fruit. But other people may disagree. So, being back in California, I've taken up skateboarding in my spare time. Hah! It's more difficult than you'd imagine, really, that little flat piece of wood is a little trickster who wants to throw you flat on your fanny. But I've always been one for preventative measures, and have purchased the necessary elbow, wrist and knee pads to keep my scrape-free. This way I don't leave any bits of my skin behind on the pavement. I'm no where near learning jumps and tricks and all that, but, with a decent amount of natural balance, I've managed to successfully propel myself forwards without looking like a complete disaster.
Also, I've picked up guitar, to further embrace the California bum in me. It took me a while to decide upon which one to buy (I wanted a solid-top, I know), but I finally settled on a Washburn D10S. It's a lovely-looking thing, very shiny, excellent build quality (from the very little I know about guitars, that is) and the sound is wonderful to my untrained ear. Ultimate Guitar is now a permanent fixture in my "References" bookmark folder. Many Jason Mraz songs are quite simple to play, though I'm still having trouble with that tricky F chord. If asked to switch to it in a hurry, what usually comes out is the muffled and muddy sound of...nothing. But I'm working on it, and I'll perhaps ask my more guitar-savvy friends at Duke to help me out.
On top of that, I've taken up the glorious and very Asian sport of badminton! It's a funny sport, beautiful once you have all the movements down pat but you look awkward and gawky if you're a beginner. So much technique and skill involved! It's a wonder to watch seasoned players in a match. Magnificent! Not exactly the most tiring of sports, but it will build up your leg and arm muscles quite a bit.
And on top of everything else, I'm also interning full-time at a software company, working with the marketing creative team. It's been a wonderful experience, the corporate sense of self is unattainable by study. I'm so much younger than anyone else working around me but they treat me like one of the team. It's been great, I've really really enjoyed this job, and I'll be sorry to leave it comes fall semester.
You know I'd feel better about my summer "vacation" if I didn't have to study math every night after I got home from work. My first actuary exam is in August and I'm really starting to think I'm not going to pass. I'm really starting to wish I'd taken Math 136 before jumping into the test. Ah well, I'd just have to pay another registration fee if I don't pass it this time. $175 per test, so no pressure eh?
So, with the release of Harry Potter behind me and my exam looming bigger and bigger, I feel like my return to Duke can't come quickly enough. I miss everyone, and the campus, and the atmosphere in general. But I suppose the remaining few weeks of summer will rush by as everything else has, not that I'll be sad to see it go.
Until August 23rd, my lovelies!
What exactly have I been up to this summer, you ask? Well for starters, I've moved back to the sunshine state, complete with extraordinary weather and pick-able cherry orchards that'll make you sick and wished you'd never clapped eyes upon the red little dots of devil-fruit. But other people may disagree. So, being back in California, I've taken up skateboarding in my spare time. Hah! It's more difficult than you'd imagine, really, that little flat piece of wood is a little trickster who wants to throw you flat on your fanny. But I've always been one for preventative measures, and have purchased the necessary elbow, wrist and knee pads to keep my scrape-free. This way I don't leave any bits of my skin behind on the pavement. I'm no where near learning jumps and tricks and all that, but, with a decent amount of natural balance, I've managed to successfully propel myself forwards without looking like a complete disaster.
Also, I've picked up guitar, to further embrace the California bum in me. It took me a while to decide upon which one to buy (I wanted a solid-top, I know), but I finally settled on a Washburn D10S. It's a lovely-looking thing, very shiny, excellent build quality (from the very little I know about guitars, that is) and the sound is wonderful to my untrained ear. Ultimate Guitar is now a permanent fixture in my "References" bookmark folder. Many Jason Mraz songs are quite simple to play, though I'm still having trouble with that tricky F chord. If asked to switch to it in a hurry, what usually comes out is the muffled and muddy sound of...nothing. But I'm working on it, and I'll perhaps ask my more guitar-savvy friends at Duke to help me out.
On top of that, I've taken up the glorious and very Asian sport of badminton! It's a funny sport, beautiful once you have all the movements down pat but you look awkward and gawky if you're a beginner. So much technique and skill involved! It's a wonder to watch seasoned players in a match. Magnificent! Not exactly the most tiring of sports, but it will build up your leg and arm muscles quite a bit.
And on top of everything else, I'm also interning full-time at a software company, working with the marketing creative team. It's been a wonderful experience, the corporate sense of self is unattainable by study. I'm so much younger than anyone else working around me but they treat me like one of the team. It's been great, I've really really enjoyed this job, and I'll be sorry to leave it comes fall semester.
You know I'd feel better about my summer "vacation" if I didn't have to study math every night after I got home from work. My first actuary exam is in August and I'm really starting to think I'm not going to pass. I'm really starting to wish I'd taken Math 136 before jumping into the test. Ah well, I'd just have to pay another registration fee if I don't pass it this time. $175 per test, so no pressure eh?
So, with the release of Harry Potter behind me and my exam looming bigger and bigger, I feel like my return to Duke can't come quickly enough. I miss everyone, and the campus, and the atmosphere in general. But I suppose the remaining few weeks of summer will rush by as everything else has, not that I'll be sad to see it go.
Until August 23rd, my lovelies!
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Well, I'm ready to leave...
The last day of classes is TOMORROW!!!! How is that possible? We just barely got here! Somehow it doesn't feel like a full two semesters have gone by. Every week seemed so long. Every day seemed so long. We live for getting past that big test or that big paper. Funny how those little periods of "I just need to get through this week" can accumulate to "whoa, where did freshman year go?"
This is goodbye to East Campus, to the Marketplace (though I can't say I'm not sick of it right now), goodbye to Randolph and living with a bunch of freshmen all around you. Do you ever get the feeling that we're suppose to be more...important...after freshmen year? We're suppose to be more illustrious or decorated or something like that. We won't be just puny little Duke freshmen anymore...we'll actually have to try to do something important.
Ugh. Maybe it's called responsibility. Not that we're not responsible now, well most of us at least, it's just this feeling of having to think about the future. Freshman year was so carefree. Everyone told us, "Don't worry about it yet, you're just a freshman. You have plenty of time." PLENTY OF TIME? FRESHMAN YEAR JUST FREAKING ENDED! THAT'S ONE-FOURTH OF OUR TIME HERE AT DUKE OUT THE WINDOW!!
And what have I accomplished? NOTHING. That's right. But that's absolutely okay, because I was just a freshman. Well, I don't have that excuse anymore. Now we actually don't have "plenty of time." Freshman year was a buffer. A time to enjoy ourselves after working hard to get into college. It was life's way of saying, "Take a breather, you've worked hard to get where you are. Enjoy it for a while." And now? Life's screaming, "Hey you lazy bum! What are you planning to do with your life? You've had your fun, now's the time for ACTION!" Hmm....
No more lounging around and hanging out with friends. That doesn't help anybody else in the world. No more coasting. That doesn't help cure cancer! That doesn't help starving children in South America! That doesn't do any good for the world! So stop being selfish! Stop hanging out with friends and making memories all for yourself! Sacrifice something to help those less fortunate than you!
Balance. Life is all about balance. Maybe gymnasts with excellent balance have it the best. Balance work and friends. Balance a career and family. Balance having fun and studying. Balance, balance, balance. Yes.
Are you balanced at all? Cause I feel all wobbly and off my seesaw.
This is goodbye to East Campus, to the Marketplace (though I can't say I'm not sick of it right now), goodbye to Randolph and living with a bunch of freshmen all around you. Do you ever get the feeling that we're suppose to be more...important...after freshmen year? We're suppose to be more illustrious or decorated or something like that. We won't be just puny little Duke freshmen anymore...we'll actually have to try to do something important.
Ugh. Maybe it's called responsibility. Not that we're not responsible now, well most of us at least, it's just this feeling of having to think about the future. Freshman year was so carefree. Everyone told us, "Don't worry about it yet, you're just a freshman. You have plenty of time." PLENTY OF TIME? FRESHMAN YEAR JUST FREAKING ENDED! THAT'S ONE-FOURTH OF OUR TIME HERE AT DUKE OUT THE WINDOW!!
And what have I accomplished? NOTHING. That's right. But that's absolutely okay, because I was just a freshman. Well, I don't have that excuse anymore. Now we actually don't have "plenty of time." Freshman year was a buffer. A time to enjoy ourselves after working hard to get into college. It was life's way of saying, "Take a breather, you've worked hard to get where you are. Enjoy it for a while." And now? Life's screaming, "Hey you lazy bum! What are you planning to do with your life? You've had your fun, now's the time for ACTION!" Hmm....
No more lounging around and hanging out with friends. That doesn't help anybody else in the world. No more coasting. That doesn't help cure cancer! That doesn't help starving children in South America! That doesn't do any good for the world! So stop being selfish! Stop hanging out with friends and making memories all for yourself! Sacrifice something to help those less fortunate than you!
Balance. Life is all about balance. Maybe gymnasts with excellent balance have it the best. Balance work and friends. Balance a career and family. Balance having fun and studying. Balance, balance, balance. Yes.
Are you balanced at all? Cause I feel all wobbly and off my seesaw.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Computer Literacy Should be Mandatory
Jeebees heebees what's with people who still confuse Mhz and Ghz? Is it really so difficult to acquaint oneself with the inner workings of a machine one uses everyday? Aren't they *curious*? I certainly don't pretend to know the personal computer inside and out but SERIOUSLY come on people it's the 21st century. Learn about the computer already. (<-- rant directed towards my cousin and his whole family, excluding my little 8 year old cousin who is probably smarter than the rest of her family put together)
I don't know how my dad worked as tech support once. Maybe I just plainly don't have the patience. Oh no! Bad thought...what about my kids? Isn't one suppose to have the slightest bit of patience with them? D'you think I have that slightest bit? Well in that case, I hope to God my husband's got heaps and heaps of patience.
On a brighter note, Mussorgsky's Pictures at an Exhibition is pretty much my favorite thing to listen to right now. The excitement! The dazzling key changes! The crazy melodies! Major happiness ensues. I wish I had better headphones to fully enjoy the music though.
Basically wasted a lot of time today. Got my math homework done. Had the foresight to bring along a raincoat for the...uhh...rain. Had a nice din din with the bf and am now researching some Sartre quotes to make my professor think that I actually read some books this semester.
Hey dood, what are you doing with your life? I don't know what I'm doing with mine. Don't you think we should figure something out soon? I'll leave you with a quote:
I don't know how my dad worked as tech support once. Maybe I just plainly don't have the patience. Oh no! Bad thought...what about my kids? Isn't one suppose to have the slightest bit of patience with them? D'you think I have that slightest bit? Well in that case, I hope to God my husband's got heaps and heaps of patience.
On a brighter note, Mussorgsky's Pictures at an Exhibition is pretty much my favorite thing to listen to right now. The excitement! The dazzling key changes! The crazy melodies! Major happiness ensues. I wish I had better headphones to fully enjoy the music though.
Basically wasted a lot of time today. Got my math homework done. Had the foresight to bring along a raincoat for the...uhh...rain. Had a nice din din with the bf and am now researching some Sartre quotes to make my professor think that I actually read some books this semester.
Hey dood, what are you doing with your life? I don't know what I'm doing with mine. Don't you think we should figure something out soon? I'll leave you with a quote:
I am. I am. I exist, I think, therefore I am; I am because I think that I don't want to be, I think that I … because … ugh! I flee. I exist, that's all. And that trouble is so vague, so metaphysical that I am ashamed of it.
~Jean-Paul Sartre
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
New Look
Yay, I like.
I just found out that my 50 page philosophy paper, of which I only have about 7 pages written, is due next Friday.
Not a happy thought.
House is pretty much my favorite (fictional) person in the world.
The end of freshman year hasn't hit me yet. Probably because it still feels like midterms or sometime I get a lot of work. More work than usual actually. So I'm basically going to shrink in a hole this weekend and not see a glimmer of sunlight (which will probably be beautiful) until I get my paper written. I've also been double saving my paper on my flash drive like a maniac.
Been getting into Podcasts lately. There are some pretty nice high-quality ones out there, very enjoyable to listen to. We seem to have so many "events" crammed into our day, what happens when we run out of hours? We can't change the speed of the earth's rotation so we can't change the day. But we increase the number of tasks we must do everyday. Dilemma. Or not.
Existentialism is pretty much a kick-ass way of living life. But way too intense. I can't possibly shoulder that much responsibility.
I just found out that my 50 page philosophy paper, of which I only have about 7 pages written, is due next Friday.
Not a happy thought.
House is pretty much my favorite (fictional) person in the world.
The end of freshman year hasn't hit me yet. Probably because it still feels like midterms or sometime I get a lot of work. More work than usual actually. So I'm basically going to shrink in a hole this weekend and not see a glimmer of sunlight (which will probably be beautiful) until I get my paper written. I've also been double saving my paper on my flash drive like a maniac.
Been getting into Podcasts lately. There are some pretty nice high-quality ones out there, very enjoyable to listen to. We seem to have so many "events" crammed into our day, what happens when we run out of hours? We can't change the speed of the earth's rotation so we can't change the day. But we increase the number of tasks we must do everyday. Dilemma. Or not.
Existentialism is pretty much a kick-ass way of living life. But way too intense. I can't possibly shoulder that much responsibility.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
